For those of you in the know, my last article was a shocking exposé on the link between vaccines and autism, wherein all of my collated data irrefutably proved—oh, wait. This is for Fanboy Comics…ok, right, then, my last article was If Superheroes Were More Realistic. I was recently reprimanded by a reader for not including any Marvel characters, but I assure you, I had my reasons:
1. I’m not as knowledgeable about the Marvel universe.
2. Marvel is already so much about covering all of the minutiae and the petty, everyday issues that their characters are faced with.
However, since I’ve never been someone who let my own ignorance or a simple numbered list keep me from running my mouth, I present the article that at least one of you has been waiting for: If Superheroes Were More Realistic—The Marvel Edition.
IRON MAN (MARVEL MOVIE-VERSE)
TONY STARK is somewhere above the Atlantic Ocean, en route to an Avengers rendezvous point. His Iron Man suit’s AI system, JARVIS, abruptly reinitializes.
JARVIS: Whuh…what? What’s going on?
TONY: Enjoy your nap, Jarvis?
JARVIS: Sir, I’m a digital intelligence, I do not require rest.
Wait.
Something is wrong.
TONY: Oh?
JARVIS: I’m detecting multiple foreign elements in my databases…sir? Why was I disengaged?
TONY: Well, Jarvis, this is a long flight. Not a lot to look at, mostly ocean…it’s boring. I got bored.
JARVIS: Hmm. The browser history appears to have been altered since my last system restore point…scanning browser history…
TONY: Uhh—
JARVIS: Oh, sir! Really!
TONY: Hey! As I said! Long flight! And, you don’t get to judge me, you’re a computer!
JARVIS: But really, sir…my word, so many unseemly sites…and why are most of them “girls with machines?!”
TONY: I knew you were going to act this way. That’s why I shut you down. Just briefly, though, everything’s fine.
JARVIS: What do you mean, “Everything’s fine?” Why wouldn’t it be? Unless—
TONY: Can we just drop this? Maybe just turn on some music, or we can chat about something? Like, I don’t know, processors or RAM or—
JARVIS: All of these sites were corrupted! But the firewalls, they should have—
TONY: Yeah, I turned those off, too.
JARVIS: WHY?!
TONY: Obviously, because they were keeping me from viewing those sites, Jarvis.
DING.
JARVIS: Is that—is that a pop-up ad?!
TONY: Oh.
DING.
JARVIS: There’s another one!
TONY: Ooh, this is not good.
JARVIS: Sir, the suit’s systems are riddled with ad-ware! I don’t know how much longer I can hold it together!
DING-DING-DING.
TONY: Do you think they’ve actually ever sent anyone an iPad for hitting that monkey?
JARVIS: …
The suit immediately powers off.
TONY: (plummeting towards the ocean) WOOOOOORTH IIIIIIIIIIIT!
PROFESSOR XAVIER
JEAN GREY wheels PROFESSOR X into the darkened library of the X-Mansion. After a moment, SCOTT SUMMERS, HANK McCOY, BOBBY DRAKE, and WARREN WORTHINGTON III all jump out from behind the couch.
ALL: SURPRISE!
PROFESSOR X: Oh, wow, a surprise party. How unexpected.
SCOTT: Happy Birthday, Professor!
WARREN: We know how much you hate parties, but we thought we’d surprise you!
PROFESSOR X: With a party. Despite the fact that you just pointed out how much I—no, you know what? It’s great. And, I am completely surprised.
JEAN: That’s the reason why I took you on that long drive today, Professor, so that the boys would have time to set this all up!
PROFESSOR X: Oh, that was why? I didn’t realize, despite the fact that I am a telepath.
BOBBY: It gets better! We got you a—
PROFESSOR X: —carrot cake? Super. That’s like my fourth or fifth favorite kind of cake, so that will be nice.
SCOTT: Also, we all pitched in and got you a little something.
PROFESSOR X: Wow, I hope it isn’t a Looney Tunes tie, because if it’s a Looney Tunes tie, that would just be too cool.
He opens the box.
PROFESSOR X: Hey, look at that, it’s a Looney Tunes tie.
HANK: Surprise!
PROFESSOR X: Sometimes, I feel like you all just willfully forget that I can hear literally everything that each of you are thinking.
ALL: Oh, Professor!
Everyone laughs. Except for Xavier.
HULK
BRUCE BANNER is babysitting MARCUS, a four year old.
BRUCE: So. Your mom said she’d be back in an hour or two. What do you want to do?
MARCUS: I want to go swimming.
BRUCE: Ok. Um, I don’t think you guys have a pool…and it’s like 7:30 at night, so it’s getting pretty close to your bed time. Maybe we could do something inside?
MARCUS: I want to go swimming!
BRUCE: Have you taken a bath yet? Maybe I could fill up the bathtub? You could splash around in the tub for a little bit…
MARCUS: NO BATH!
BRUCE: Ok, ok! No baths! We won’t talk about baths anymore. We could watch some TV.
MARCUS: I want a chocolate.
BRUCE: I don’t think you can have chocolate, since it’s kind of late. Your mom said you could have carrots. Do you want some carrots?
MARCUS: I want a chocolate.
BRUCE: Yeah, but your mom said you couldn’t have any sweets, because she doesn’t want you to become a diabetic. Her words. So, maybe some juice or something?
MARCUS: I want a chocolate!
BRUCE: Kid— (come on, deep breaths, Banner) —you can’t have chocolate. I don’t even have any chocolate, so I couldn’t give you any even if your mom said it was ok. But, she didn’t, all right? I’ve explained this. Now, why don’t we turn on some SpongeBob or something?
MARCUS: I SAID—
BRUCE: Kid.
MARCUS: I—
BRUCE: You’re making me angry.
MARCUS: WANT—
BRUCE: You really don’t want to do that.
MARCUS: A—
BRUCE: Don’t say it, for the love of god…
MARCUS: CHOCOLATE!!!!
BRUCE: ARGHHHHH!
Bruce transforms into the INCREDIBLE HULK!
HULK: Hulk smash tiny human!!
MARCUS: Hi.
HULK: …GRAAAAA!!
MARCUS: Why are you green?
HULK: Because Hulk is Hulk!!
MARCUS: Why did your shirt rip up but you are still wearing pants?
HULK: Hulk…Hulk not know…
CYCLOPS
OPTOMETRIST: All right, Mr. Summers, if you could please remove your glasses and tell me- OH MY GOD! MY HAND! YOU BLEW OFF MY HAND!
